between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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