weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I look better un-naked...
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
