Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
