if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
