i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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