last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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