There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
