I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
