Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
