Cold hands, warm shart.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
