i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
