I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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