you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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