i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Randomize
