At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
