So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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