I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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