I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
