I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Randomize
