you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
