he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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