you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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