I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
