it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I love you.
Bad choice
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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