Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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