My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
