soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
