it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
