My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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