so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
