If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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