It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
