Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
