we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
