My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
