Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
