he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
