Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
