There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
FUCK WHALES
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
