drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My life is pants optional.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
