This is not my ceiling
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
