You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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