The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
