The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
