You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
