Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
