Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
