seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
