Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
