Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
